It is amazing how much we ignore ourselves.
I've been reading The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra, and listening to ourselves is one of the things he brings up when reading a decision for being wrong or right (he also brings up being nonjudgmental... so I'm still muddling through how to determine a decision is wrong or right while maintaining a state of nonjudgment. If you know, please help me through this).
Our bodies manifest our decisions. My guts (the technical term) start to churn and hurt when I'm making a decision I know doesn't jive with me. I've had a vice grip wrapped around my chest for the last two months as I muddle through decisions about work and school. When I hit on the right decision for me, I can feel these tell- tale signs ease off, giving me a little space to breathe and relax. As soon as I tell myself the right decision can't happen, because of this factor or that person needing me, I feel everything tighten up again.
What happens when we ignore those signs? I can only live with an ill-fitting decision for so long. I start lashing out at the wrong people, I lose my ability to be patient with others, and I can't decipher between an overarching sense of malaise or if a situation calls for wariness. In other words, my intuition gets totally borked up. It makes perfect sense. When I don't listen to myself, I can't interpret my voice when I need it the most.
The funny thing about decisions is we often assign them a sort of permanence that isn't always real. Very rarely is a situation absolutely unchangeable, and as humans (specifically homo sapiens), changes fuel our creativity, our adaptability, and our chance at thriving. When I make a decision, why do I often assign it this permanence? I like to think it is my sense of responsibility. I've said I would do something, so I will see this through. Instead of freaking out that this decision is going to haunt me forever, I can acknowledge it, and then make moves to alter it or accept it.
So the real goal: start listening to my instinct. Stop giving my time and energy to things that exhaust me, and make me feel tense and used up. If I do accidentally allow this to happen, I will ask myself this quesiton: can I accept the consequences of my decision? If not, what can I do to change it?
I'm pretty certain we don't need to get overly stuck on a decision or two. Today I'm going to focus on appreciating the grace in my life. There is a lot of it, and I'm not going to let a few wrong turns make me lose sight of the bigger stuff. I don't like myself much when I do that. Instead, I'm going to remember when I clean out the junk in my life, I'm opening up space for something even better.
Love,
Diana
Friday, June 22, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Speaking Up
We have needs.
And that is okay. I am really good at forgetting that one. I get it stuck in my head I have to take care of everything on my own, and asking for help is not just a sign of weakness, but will cause people I care about some sort of pain. Even worse, I may cause pain to someone I don't care about (figure that one out).
I had a friend who had no problem speaking up when something wasn't to her standard. We would be at dinner, she would order something, and if it turned out to be different than she expected, but wasn't something she wanted, she would send it back. Killer thing about this: the restaurant always took it back, and never charged her for the meal. Did she do this at every meal? Heavens no, but she asserted herself to get what she ultimately wanted. I was super impressed.
Asserting ourselves to get what we want versus what we need requires the same attention to ourselves. It is one thing to demand my burger be cooked properly, but it always seems harder to state what I need. One of my bosses has gotten a significant amount of free help from me. The funny thing is: it really doesn't bug me all that much. I don't mind helping out, and I like interacting with our clients. When this boss did ask me to trade for our marketing, and it sounded like I wasn't going to be compensated for it, I immediately felt angry. I know for a fact the office can afford some marketing materials, so I was immediately suspicious of the deal. Does it bug me to trade? No, but in this case I needed to be compensated. When I expressed this, I felt much better about the situation, and it reminded my boss that I'm not a volunteer.
Burying our needs does nothing to help us in the long run, it just makes us even more crazy. I've been under a great deal of mental stress that doesn't exactly make sense, so I must be in need of something I've buried and tried to put out of mind. A few things keep popping up that make me suspect what these needs are.
1. I keep screwing up my schedule, and then screwing it up more when I try to fix it.
2. I seriously considered painting "Mobile Massage Response Unit" on my car, and putting a flashing light on top of it.
3. I've been saying "No" to requests that really should not be issues at all, and add little or no stress to my life.
4. A sense of feeling overwhelmed is never far from the surface, and it isn't too hard to make me cry.
My mother might say "you need a psychologist, or at least someone to talk to who isn't involved". She might not be wrong, but I'm looking for something a little more internal. I think I need to protect my schedule. I feel like I have to say yes to every little work deal thrown in front of me, including clients who need me to make long drives to them (why can't they make long drives to me?), clients on days I don't normally work, and clients back to back with important family events.
Going from having no work to enough work is an amazing thing. I am really grateful for the work that has come my way, but at the same time, I have to recognize that I can't fix everyone, and maybe even more importantly, I can't go out of my way to do so. It is flattering to have clients call me after a year and a half to ask for work, but driving for an hour to do that work isn't really helping me build a client base or helping me build my bank account. That money goes right back into my gas tank.
I used to say there is a list of clients I will bend over backward to see, and I think I am going to have to alter that attitude. By referring these far-away clients to other therapists I love, I am sharing the wealth, and maybe it will come back to me in the form of other clients I will be more than happy to see at my office.
It's okay to need to work close to home, and not have to drive an hour to make a little cash. Really. It is.
Your challenge for this week:
Identify an need you've been trying to ignore. Acknowledge it is okay to need it, and make a plan to satisfy that need.
Love,
Diana
And that is okay. I am really good at forgetting that one. I get it stuck in my head I have to take care of everything on my own, and asking for help is not just a sign of weakness, but will cause people I care about some sort of pain. Even worse, I may cause pain to someone I don't care about (figure that one out).
I had a friend who had no problem speaking up when something wasn't to her standard. We would be at dinner, she would order something, and if it turned out to be different than she expected, but wasn't something she wanted, she would send it back. Killer thing about this: the restaurant always took it back, and never charged her for the meal. Did she do this at every meal? Heavens no, but she asserted herself to get what she ultimately wanted. I was super impressed.
Asserting ourselves to get what we want versus what we need requires the same attention to ourselves. It is one thing to demand my burger be cooked properly, but it always seems harder to state what I need. One of my bosses has gotten a significant amount of free help from me. The funny thing is: it really doesn't bug me all that much. I don't mind helping out, and I like interacting with our clients. When this boss did ask me to trade for our marketing, and it sounded like I wasn't going to be compensated for it, I immediately felt angry. I know for a fact the office can afford some marketing materials, so I was immediately suspicious of the deal. Does it bug me to trade? No, but in this case I needed to be compensated. When I expressed this, I felt much better about the situation, and it reminded my boss that I'm not a volunteer.
Burying our needs does nothing to help us in the long run, it just makes us even more crazy. I've been under a great deal of mental stress that doesn't exactly make sense, so I must be in need of something I've buried and tried to put out of mind. A few things keep popping up that make me suspect what these needs are.
1. I keep screwing up my schedule, and then screwing it up more when I try to fix it.
2. I seriously considered painting "Mobile Massage Response Unit" on my car, and putting a flashing light on top of it.
3. I've been saying "No" to requests that really should not be issues at all, and add little or no stress to my life.
4. A sense of feeling overwhelmed is never far from the surface, and it isn't too hard to make me cry.
My mother might say "you need a psychologist, or at least someone to talk to who isn't involved". She might not be wrong, but I'm looking for something a little more internal. I think I need to protect my schedule. I feel like I have to say yes to every little work deal thrown in front of me, including clients who need me to make long drives to them (why can't they make long drives to me?), clients on days I don't normally work, and clients back to back with important family events.
Going from having no work to enough work is an amazing thing. I am really grateful for the work that has come my way, but at the same time, I have to recognize that I can't fix everyone, and maybe even more importantly, I can't go out of my way to do so. It is flattering to have clients call me after a year and a half to ask for work, but driving for an hour to do that work isn't really helping me build a client base or helping me build my bank account. That money goes right back into my gas tank.
I used to say there is a list of clients I will bend over backward to see, and I think I am going to have to alter that attitude. By referring these far-away clients to other therapists I love, I am sharing the wealth, and maybe it will come back to me in the form of other clients I will be more than happy to see at my office.
It's okay to need to work close to home, and not have to drive an hour to make a little cash. Really. It is.
Your challenge for this week:
Identify an need you've been trying to ignore. Acknowledge it is okay to need it, and make a plan to satisfy that need.
Love,
Diana
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Pushing Beyond Expectations
Remember that person in your lifetime that always picked you last for basketball, or the teacher whose comment contained a thinly veiled reference to you being stupid?
I do. Oh boy I do.
Expectations for our lives come from a lot of places, and we frequently don't even know why we carrying the expectations we have for ourselves, or where they come from. For example: in spite of being an excellent student with very good grades and some involvement in organizations, my high school self fully expected to be rejected from competitive colleges. The result was applying to colleges requiring no writing samples (my strong suit, by the way), and transferring more frequently than a person on the DC Metro.
What on earth caused me to even have that expectation? My fourth grade teacher. Some part of me internalized the idea that I wasn't that bright at a very young age, and even though I worked my tail off, learned the skills necessary to thrive in a non-kinesthetic learner's world, and had huge amounts of academic success, it wasn't until my last year of college I realized I ain't no dummy.
I could get angry at said fourth grade professor (and I do, every once in a while), but I've had to realize it was my decision to live with in this expectation. I missed a lot of opportunities because I thought I would never have a shot. To this day, even with having proof of my academic ability, I let myself be limited by this idea I wasn't smart enough (I wrote an essay to apply to MSU's Epidemiology program two years ago. I only just submitted it, after realizing I wasn't applying because I expected to be rejected. Guess what: I got in).
Are all expectations bad? No. I expect my fiance to help around the house, and he expects the same from me. The result is a nice little balance of work and play. If we have children, I expect him to actively engage in their upbringing. Once again, he has the same expectation of me. These aren't the expectations I'm contemplating though. I'm talking about the expectations that stop us from doing things, being something, or simply improving our lives.
How does one push beyond the expectations we've absorbed? The first step is identifying what is stopping you. This could be stopping you from trying something, learning something, applying to something... whatever. If you think it would be a good thing, and for some reason you can't bring yourself to go after it, digging for the root cause is going to be a big step.
So maybe every time you go to do something, let's take my Epidemiology application as an example, you say "I'll never get in to the program. I'm not smart enough". Ask yourself "Is this true?" If it is true, what makes it true? If it isn't true, what is the point in continuing to say it? You are also allowed to ask yourself "What makes me say I'm not smart enough each time I think about this?" You can come up with a million supports for the statement. I've done plenty of dumb things in my life, but we are looking for that one thing we can hang the statement on, and leave it there to admire as we sail on past. The first time I suspected I wasn't smart enough was fourth grade, so I chose that teacher as the nail to hang up my dunce cap.
Okay, so now we know where this expectation originated. What have we done to prove ourselves wrong? In the case of Epidemiology, I completed a 12 credit certificate through the University of North Carolina. If that isn't proof I can be successful, I don't know what is.
Sometimes our successes aren't so obvious. Sometimes, we have to look for the smaller indicators. I get asked a lot if I am crazy because I've undertaken some pretty strenuous races this year. I say probably, but aside from that, I'm pushing myself beyond my normal expectations. In the face of a 50 mile race, running a marathon seems a bit short. But I ran a marathon, and at the start of that, I didn't know if I could finish it. It is a little victory I get to count. Before that, I had finished a half marathon. The year before that I hadn't run farther than 6.2 miles. I used to tell myself that was the farthest I ever wanted to run, because I didn't know if I could run farther.
Most of us aren't charitable with ourselves. When we look in the mirror, how many people jump up and say "I like me!" Most of us start picking at our blackheads, and contemplating the circumference of our thighs. Counting our successes can be hard. This is where a really good, honest friend can come in handy. One who can say "I remember the time you took on this challenge, you came through it", and you'll believe her.
This year I am expanding my expectations for myself. I'm running a fifty mile race, I'm starting a graduate program, I'm getting married... oh, and I'm turning 30. My challenge is to continue to say "I'm going to try" instead of "I can't do that".
Your challenge: start finding the expectations that set your edges, and see what you can do to move beyond those edges. When we can move past our perceived limits, we can start to see where our next success is going to come from.
Love,
Diana
I do. Oh boy I do.
Expectations for our lives come from a lot of places, and we frequently don't even know why we carrying the expectations we have for ourselves, or where they come from. For example: in spite of being an excellent student with very good grades and some involvement in organizations, my high school self fully expected to be rejected from competitive colleges. The result was applying to colleges requiring no writing samples (my strong suit, by the way), and transferring more frequently than a person on the DC Metro.
What on earth caused me to even have that expectation? My fourth grade teacher. Some part of me internalized the idea that I wasn't that bright at a very young age, and even though I worked my tail off, learned the skills necessary to thrive in a non-kinesthetic learner's world, and had huge amounts of academic success, it wasn't until my last year of college I realized I ain't no dummy.
I could get angry at said fourth grade professor (and I do, every once in a while), but I've had to realize it was my decision to live with in this expectation. I missed a lot of opportunities because I thought I would never have a shot. To this day, even with having proof of my academic ability, I let myself be limited by this idea I wasn't smart enough (I wrote an essay to apply to MSU's Epidemiology program two years ago. I only just submitted it, after realizing I wasn't applying because I expected to be rejected. Guess what: I got in).
Are all expectations bad? No. I expect my fiance to help around the house, and he expects the same from me. The result is a nice little balance of work and play. If we have children, I expect him to actively engage in their upbringing. Once again, he has the same expectation of me. These aren't the expectations I'm contemplating though. I'm talking about the expectations that stop us from doing things, being something, or simply improving our lives.
How does one push beyond the expectations we've absorbed? The first step is identifying what is stopping you. This could be stopping you from trying something, learning something, applying to something... whatever. If you think it would be a good thing, and for some reason you can't bring yourself to go after it, digging for the root cause is going to be a big step.
So maybe every time you go to do something, let's take my Epidemiology application as an example, you say "I'll never get in to the program. I'm not smart enough". Ask yourself "Is this true?" If it is true, what makes it true? If it isn't true, what is the point in continuing to say it? You are also allowed to ask yourself "What makes me say I'm not smart enough each time I think about this?" You can come up with a million supports for the statement. I've done plenty of dumb things in my life, but we are looking for that one thing we can hang the statement on, and leave it there to admire as we sail on past. The first time I suspected I wasn't smart enough was fourth grade, so I chose that teacher as the nail to hang up my dunce cap.
Okay, so now we know where this expectation originated. What have we done to prove ourselves wrong? In the case of Epidemiology, I completed a 12 credit certificate through the University of North Carolina. If that isn't proof I can be successful, I don't know what is.
Sometimes our successes aren't so obvious. Sometimes, we have to look for the smaller indicators. I get asked a lot if I am crazy because I've undertaken some pretty strenuous races this year. I say probably, but aside from that, I'm pushing myself beyond my normal expectations. In the face of a 50 mile race, running a marathon seems a bit short. But I ran a marathon, and at the start of that, I didn't know if I could finish it. It is a little victory I get to count. Before that, I had finished a half marathon. The year before that I hadn't run farther than 6.2 miles. I used to tell myself that was the farthest I ever wanted to run, because I didn't know if I could run farther.
Most of us aren't charitable with ourselves. When we look in the mirror, how many people jump up and say "I like me!" Most of us start picking at our blackheads, and contemplating the circumference of our thighs. Counting our successes can be hard. This is where a really good, honest friend can come in handy. One who can say "I remember the time you took on this challenge, you came through it", and you'll believe her.
This year I am expanding my expectations for myself. I'm running a fifty mile race, I'm starting a graduate program, I'm getting married... oh, and I'm turning 30. My challenge is to continue to say "I'm going to try" instead of "I can't do that".
Your challenge: start finding the expectations that set your edges, and see what you can do to move beyond those edges. When we can move past our perceived limits, we can start to see where our next success is going to come from.
Love,
Diana
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Resolution 9-2012: Get Passionate
I'm reading "Mountains Beyond Mountains" by Tracy Kidder
Mountains Beyond Mountains is the story of Dr. Paul Farmer, his organization Partners In Health, and the amazing work this group managed in the health care of desperately poor people. The first time I read this book, I thought I wanted to become a doctor. Revisiting the book has reminded me I want to work for something I believe in.
I'm not ready to go traipsing off to a developing country right this moment. I think there are plenty of opportunities to make a difference in our communities. I do some volunteer work, but I feel like I've been giving the bare minimum. I've been giving just enough to make myself feel like I'm making some sort of impact, but I know in my heart of hearts, I'm fooling myself.
I am looking forward to starting my masters program in fall. Going into Epidemiology feels like a great choice, because it is going to give me all the theory and data crunching skills I need to get really involved in public health work. And maybe it is because it seems so close, and yet still far off, I'm seriously impatient. Reading the story of Paul Farmer only feeds this sense of dissatisfaction. By the time Farmer was my age, he was eradicating infectious disease from Haiti (and Peru, and Boston...).
I don't feel the heavy burden of the word "should" in this case. I feel this deep stirring, a sense of longing for believing in a cause bigger than I am. Where I live, the answer for most people is to go to church. I'm not cut from that cloth (if you decide to judge me here, I'm going to bet you don't know my history with organized religion, so judge away, but remember, he who throws the first stone). When religion is removed from the equation, what else is there to believe in?
Personally, I'm drawn to improving the lives of the people around me. When we get involved in the lives of others, we tend to realize our problems aren't so insurmountable. Like I said earlier, there are places to get involved right here, right now.
When I start school, I expect to be busy enough improving the lives of others. I have a zillion ideas for research, and a zillion other ideas for implementation. I will get it all sorted out with my adviser. But the right here, right now piece of me is screaming. It has been yelling at me for a while, and try as I might, I haven't been able to find some outlet for it.
I marched for women's rights in 2004. I support legislation to legalize gay marriage, the ability to make choices about reproductive health, and the right to an education (there are other things too, I promise). I'm burned out on those issues though. I'm tired of feeling like politics boils me down to a pair of ovaries and a vaginal canal. I'm tired of seeing the happiness of my friends used as political fodder. But I'm tired. I'm not on fire about these things any more. I wish I was. I really, honestly, truly wish I could care about the way I'm being used in politics. I can get righteously pissed off, sure, but it doesn't feel like the route I need to take right now.
I'm running in the "Race for the Cure" this weekend. I did some fund raising, which made me feel like I was building on this idea of wanting to live passionately. Reaching a fundraising goal was the shot in the arm I needed to realize there are ways to get involved with the structure I need to do it.
So here are my thoughts for building this way of living.
1. Go big or go home doesn't have to be the rule. Sometimes, the small differences we make in the lives of individuals spreads in ways we don't expect.
2. Find an organization I really believe is doing good work with out being totally embroiled in politics (remember, I'm exhausted by the politics). Most big organizations are involved, but some still manage to do the good work at the same time. I'm running the Detroit Marathon in October. I just emailed Team in Training through the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society to see if I can fund-raise for the organization even though I am already signed up. I'll let you know what they say.
3. Start getting involved in the work I want to do ultimately. Contact the County Health Department to find out if I can do some shadowing and volunteering with the Epidemiology team this summer, and possibly even into my masters work.
4. Figure out what areas of my life need to develop, change and do little things daily. A friend of mine calls these daily tasks "The Daily Dozen". Twelve things I can do every day to reach my ultimate success, which I am defining right now as finding ways to make the changes I believe need to happen in the community.
And who knows... maybe a community massage clinic would make an enormous difference in the lives of others. Staffed by members of the community who don't have a lot of other options for work...
I need to learn to write grants.
Get passionate!
Love,
Diana
Mountains Beyond Mountains is the story of Dr. Paul Farmer, his organization Partners In Health, and the amazing work this group managed in the health care of desperately poor people. The first time I read this book, I thought I wanted to become a doctor. Revisiting the book has reminded me I want to work for something I believe in.
I'm not ready to go traipsing off to a developing country right this moment. I think there are plenty of opportunities to make a difference in our communities. I do some volunteer work, but I feel like I've been giving the bare minimum. I've been giving just enough to make myself feel like I'm making some sort of impact, but I know in my heart of hearts, I'm fooling myself.
I am looking forward to starting my masters program in fall. Going into Epidemiology feels like a great choice, because it is going to give me all the theory and data crunching skills I need to get really involved in public health work. And maybe it is because it seems so close, and yet still far off, I'm seriously impatient. Reading the story of Paul Farmer only feeds this sense of dissatisfaction. By the time Farmer was my age, he was eradicating infectious disease from Haiti (and Peru, and Boston...).
I don't feel the heavy burden of the word "should" in this case. I feel this deep stirring, a sense of longing for believing in a cause bigger than I am. Where I live, the answer for most people is to go to church. I'm not cut from that cloth (if you decide to judge me here, I'm going to bet you don't know my history with organized religion, so judge away, but remember, he who throws the first stone). When religion is removed from the equation, what else is there to believe in?
Personally, I'm drawn to improving the lives of the people around me. When we get involved in the lives of others, we tend to realize our problems aren't so insurmountable. Like I said earlier, there are places to get involved right here, right now.
When I start school, I expect to be busy enough improving the lives of others. I have a zillion ideas for research, and a zillion other ideas for implementation. I will get it all sorted out with my adviser. But the right here, right now piece of me is screaming. It has been yelling at me for a while, and try as I might, I haven't been able to find some outlet for it.
I marched for women's rights in 2004. I support legislation to legalize gay marriage, the ability to make choices about reproductive health, and the right to an education (there are other things too, I promise). I'm burned out on those issues though. I'm tired of feeling like politics boils me down to a pair of ovaries and a vaginal canal. I'm tired of seeing the happiness of my friends used as political fodder. But I'm tired. I'm not on fire about these things any more. I wish I was. I really, honestly, truly wish I could care about the way I'm being used in politics. I can get righteously pissed off, sure, but it doesn't feel like the route I need to take right now.
I'm running in the "Race for the Cure" this weekend. I did some fund raising, which made me feel like I was building on this idea of wanting to live passionately. Reaching a fundraising goal was the shot in the arm I needed to realize there are ways to get involved with the structure I need to do it.
So here are my thoughts for building this way of living.
1. Go big or go home doesn't have to be the rule. Sometimes, the small differences we make in the lives of individuals spreads in ways we don't expect.
2. Find an organization I really believe is doing good work with out being totally embroiled in politics (remember, I'm exhausted by the politics). Most big organizations are involved, but some still manage to do the good work at the same time. I'm running the Detroit Marathon in October. I just emailed Team in Training through the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society to see if I can fund-raise for the organization even though I am already signed up. I'll let you know what they say.
3. Start getting involved in the work I want to do ultimately. Contact the County Health Department to find out if I can do some shadowing and volunteering with the Epidemiology team this summer, and possibly even into my masters work.
4. Figure out what areas of my life need to develop, change and do little things daily. A friend of mine calls these daily tasks "The Daily Dozen". Twelve things I can do every day to reach my ultimate success, which I am defining right now as finding ways to make the changes I believe need to happen in the community.
And who knows... maybe a community massage clinic would make an enormous difference in the lives of others. Staffed by members of the community who don't have a lot of other options for work...
I need to learn to write grants.
Get passionate!
Love,
Diana
Friday, May 4, 2012
Upon Beating One's Self Into Submission
I am really hard on myself.
This is probably no surprise to most of the people who read this with any regularity, as I'm pretty certain most of you know me. Every now and then, I take it upon myself to really beat the crap out of me. If I was another human being, I would have a pretty good case for emotional abuse. I caught myself at the gym, staring into the ten different mirrors, viciously attacking every flaw I could find. Fortunately I caught myself, because 5 miles of self-abuse (and I'm not referencing running when I say abuse), can lead to an ugly mood.
On any given day, I can find at least 10 things I would shave off 5 years of my life in order to correct. My mental state (resiliency and reserve... we've talked about them), really makes the difference if I dwell on these 10 things, or if I decide to let myself off the hook for being imperfect. Some of these things really don't matter all that much: I have a zit in the middle of my forehead today. It will be gone in two days. What is the point of getting crabby at myself, and I rarely have perfectly clear skin.
There are a few things that almost always send me flying off into self-berating mode: my weight and my work. I've written about being gentle with myself, and practicing self-kindness, as well as general kindness; it was one of my first resolutions this year. The best part of practicing self-love and gentleness: it is a way more effective motivator for getting out of bed each day. Who wants to wake up to someone immediately bringing them down?
So I'm revisiting this resolution right now. My weight has been up and my work has been down (correlation, boredom eater?). I've been considerably more nit picky at myself, and I'm starting to get on my own nerves. Here is the kicker, we are what we think. If we constantly hear from ourselves we will never be good enough, guess what? We will never be good enough. I've always wondered why it is so easy to be mean to myself, and so hard to be nice. I think it is the same reason why it is hard to eat healthfully, and it is easy to eat ice cream. I am one of those people who can find the good in just about any one (carefully note the just about part). This week, I'm going to practice finding the good in me, and acknowledging it.
Step one: Find anything I like about myself first thing in the morning. Even if it is simply the shape of my thumbs (I have nice thumbs, what can I say?).
Step two: Look in the mirror and tell myself I love that thing. I love my thumbs!
Step three: walk away from the mirror. Remember periodically through out the day that I love my thumbs.
Sounds easy. I start first thing tomorrow.
This is probably no surprise to most of the people who read this with any regularity, as I'm pretty certain most of you know me. Every now and then, I take it upon myself to really beat the crap out of me. If I was another human being, I would have a pretty good case for emotional abuse. I caught myself at the gym, staring into the ten different mirrors, viciously attacking every flaw I could find. Fortunately I caught myself, because 5 miles of self-abuse (and I'm not referencing running when I say abuse), can lead to an ugly mood.
On any given day, I can find at least 10 things I would shave off 5 years of my life in order to correct. My mental state (resiliency and reserve... we've talked about them), really makes the difference if I dwell on these 10 things, or if I decide to let myself off the hook for being imperfect. Some of these things really don't matter all that much: I have a zit in the middle of my forehead today. It will be gone in two days. What is the point of getting crabby at myself, and I rarely have perfectly clear skin.
There are a few things that almost always send me flying off into self-berating mode: my weight and my work. I've written about being gentle with myself, and practicing self-kindness, as well as general kindness; it was one of my first resolutions this year. The best part of practicing self-love and gentleness: it is a way more effective motivator for getting out of bed each day. Who wants to wake up to someone immediately bringing them down?
So I'm revisiting this resolution right now. My weight has been up and my work has been down (correlation, boredom eater?). I've been considerably more nit picky at myself, and I'm starting to get on my own nerves. Here is the kicker, we are what we think. If we constantly hear from ourselves we will never be good enough, guess what? We will never be good enough. I've always wondered why it is so easy to be mean to myself, and so hard to be nice. I think it is the same reason why it is hard to eat healthfully, and it is easy to eat ice cream. I am one of those people who can find the good in just about any one (carefully note the just about part). This week, I'm going to practice finding the good in me, and acknowledging it.
Step one: Find anything I like about myself first thing in the morning. Even if it is simply the shape of my thumbs (I have nice thumbs, what can I say?).
Step two: Look in the mirror and tell myself I love that thing. I love my thumbs!
Step three: walk away from the mirror. Remember periodically through out the day that I love my thumbs.
Sounds easy. I start first thing tomorrow.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Motivation and Success
So often, we view success as something that happens to two types of people: the lucky people, and the motivated people.
What happens to those of us who don't fall into either category? I'm not the most motivated person in the world. I make a good show of motivation for about two weeks, and then I lose interest in the attempted goal. Nor would I say I'm particularly lucky in the traditional meaning of the word (who really is?)
Have you ever met one of those people who can walk past a plate of brownies with out a second, wistful glance? Or that person who just seems to have the ability to work all day, and then take work home to finish over the weekend? I want to barf on those people. Seriously. If I ignore anything sweet, it is because there is a massive battle of will happening in my head at the moment.Working on the weekend (unless it is a few massages) makes me twitchy.
To be motivated, I have to be interested in something. If I am interested in being successful, I have to stay focused on that, right? What on earth is going to motivate me to focus on success?
I love running. It sounds weird, because if I had told me this two years ago, I probably would have looked at myself like I had donkey ears on top of my head. There was a point in time (and if I could distil this point into a specific moment and emotion, I would be the most popular running blogger ever) where I suddenly switched gears, started thinking of myself as a runner, and a little kernel of running love blossomed.
Sometimes when I'm running, I don't love running. Sometimes, I run just to burn some calories. I am always satisfied with a run when I am done though. The best moments are the moments I hit my gear, and I click along, cruising like it is nothing.
I'm getting to my point, I promise. Running takes practice. I've devoted a lot of miles to running (just check out my runkeeper profile). I'm still a work in progress, and I'm never going to win a marathon, but I'm considering myself a successful runner at this point, because I do love it.
Success takes practice. We find the motivation by having the mental image of what our success looks like: what we want out of our lives, what we need to have in place in order to be successful, the people who support our success. I frequently find myself stuck in a pattern of thought that involves the words "have" and "not have". For example: "I have clients this week" or "I do not have clients this week". My motivation wanes and waxes with the "have/not" moments.
Instead of getting wrapped up in the demotivating "have/not" moments, I'm going to treat this success thing like I treat running: sometimes, you just have to slog it out, even it is just for a few miles. At some point, the picture of success is going to come into a sharp focus, and that is when I will be able to walk past a plate of brownies with out a second, wistful look.
This success thing, we are in it for the long haul. Peter said it best last night: "In five years, we are going to be wildly successful" and I replied with "I'm holding you to that, and if we aren't, I'm suing".
Love,
Diana
What happens to those of us who don't fall into either category? I'm not the most motivated person in the world. I make a good show of motivation for about two weeks, and then I lose interest in the attempted goal. Nor would I say I'm particularly lucky in the traditional meaning of the word (who really is?)
Have you ever met one of those people who can walk past a plate of brownies with out a second, wistful glance? Or that person who just seems to have the ability to work all day, and then take work home to finish over the weekend? I want to barf on those people. Seriously. If I ignore anything sweet, it is because there is a massive battle of will happening in my head at the moment.Working on the weekend (unless it is a few massages) makes me twitchy.
To be motivated, I have to be interested in something. If I am interested in being successful, I have to stay focused on that, right? What on earth is going to motivate me to focus on success?
I love running. It sounds weird, because if I had told me this two years ago, I probably would have looked at myself like I had donkey ears on top of my head. There was a point in time (and if I could distil this point into a specific moment and emotion, I would be the most popular running blogger ever) where I suddenly switched gears, started thinking of myself as a runner, and a little kernel of running love blossomed.
Sometimes when I'm running, I don't love running. Sometimes, I run just to burn some calories. I am always satisfied with a run when I am done though. The best moments are the moments I hit my gear, and I click along, cruising like it is nothing.
I'm getting to my point, I promise. Running takes practice. I've devoted a lot of miles to running (just check out my runkeeper profile). I'm still a work in progress, and I'm never going to win a marathon, but I'm considering myself a successful runner at this point, because I do love it.
Success takes practice. We find the motivation by having the mental image of what our success looks like: what we want out of our lives, what we need to have in place in order to be successful, the people who support our success. I frequently find myself stuck in a pattern of thought that involves the words "have" and "not have". For example: "I have clients this week" or "I do not have clients this week". My motivation wanes and waxes with the "have/not" moments.
Instead of getting wrapped up in the demotivating "have/not" moments, I'm going to treat this success thing like I treat running: sometimes, you just have to slog it out, even it is just for a few miles. At some point, the picture of success is going to come into a sharp focus, and that is when I will be able to walk past a plate of brownies with out a second, wistful look.
This success thing, we are in it for the long haul. Peter said it best last night: "In five years, we are going to be wildly successful" and I replied with "I'm holding you to that, and if we aren't, I'm suing".
Love,
Diana
Friday, April 13, 2012
Resolution Who Knows What Number-2012: Count My Blessings (Everyone of them)
There is always a choice.
Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about it in Eat Pray Love: when crying and knowing something had to change, she made the choice to stand up and cry. A small choice, but it was a choice.
I'm writing about choices today because I'm reminding myself about them. I'm a little sad these days (sometimes a lot sad). Work is slow, and I'm feeling like my reserves are being taxed. This is a year with a lot of change, and as great as some of that change might ultimately be, it is still change.
I'm an advocate of feeling what you feel. I'm not one to say this feeling is legitimate, or that feeling is wrong. I believe a person feels what a person feels, and who am I to say one way or another about it? That being said, I'm also not one to let myself stay down too long, and I'm not a great person to come to when you want to whine endlessly about something. At some point, I'm going to ask what continuing to bitch is doing for you. My next piece of unsolicited advice for said whiner: count your blessings. I'm a little predictable.
I'm pretty good about being grateful for things, but when I start to lose my normally cheery outlook, I stop looking for silver linings and get a little introverted. This isn't my favorite thing about myself, but I'm not perfect, and I should not expect myself to be (just ask the carbohydrates in this house how perfect I am. Wait. You can't. I ate them in an attempt to soothe my grumpiness yesterday).
I'm going to make a quick list of the things that bugged me this week, and I'm going to turn them into positive statements. This is a fun process. Trust me. Try it next time you need a boost.
1. I'm not working enough
- This is a tough situation for me. I put a lot of stock in my ability to support myself, and I really hate not living up to my expectations. The turn around: my wrists have been sore this week, and it is a good thing they have had a break. I need time to rest, clean my house, and get involved in some of my neglected hobbies. I had time to walk the dogs today. I had time to work on a picture frame I've had for months. My house is pretty darn clean. This has been a really good week, though I might end up a little broke next month... Does it really matter? Also, I need to try to focus on finding opportunities to share my skills and abilities with populations I love. I'm going to present to a grief support group next week. How cool is that?
2. I miss the hell out of my friends and family
- Being in a new town sucks. I'm used to having a vibrant social network I see on a daily basis. The last time I felt lonely, I forced myself to start a new hobby (belly dance). I love Belly Dance. And I love that I'm going to class again on Sunday. Maybe I have more friends here than I think, and I just haven't seen them for a few weeks. I'm already feeling less lonely. This also motivates me to put together a spring gathering of people I love and want to see. Which means I have projects, and if I know me, I love a good project.
The short version: I have a lot to be grateful for, and I would do best by myself to remember it. Being juicy isn't about taking the easy way. Being juicy is about taking the way that gives you the most satisfaction. I'm way more satisfied when I'm grateful for what I have.
Now if you'll excuse me, I just realized there is chocolate bunny left in the house...
Love,
Diana
Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about it in Eat Pray Love: when crying and knowing something had to change, she made the choice to stand up and cry. A small choice, but it was a choice.
I'm writing about choices today because I'm reminding myself about them. I'm a little sad these days (sometimes a lot sad). Work is slow, and I'm feeling like my reserves are being taxed. This is a year with a lot of change, and as great as some of that change might ultimately be, it is still change.
I'm an advocate of feeling what you feel. I'm not one to say this feeling is legitimate, or that feeling is wrong. I believe a person feels what a person feels, and who am I to say one way or another about it? That being said, I'm also not one to let myself stay down too long, and I'm not a great person to come to when you want to whine endlessly about something. At some point, I'm going to ask what continuing to bitch is doing for you. My next piece of unsolicited advice for said whiner: count your blessings. I'm a little predictable.
I'm pretty good about being grateful for things, but when I start to lose my normally cheery outlook, I stop looking for silver linings and get a little introverted. This isn't my favorite thing about myself, but I'm not perfect, and I should not expect myself to be (just ask the carbohydrates in this house how perfect I am. Wait. You can't. I ate them in an attempt to soothe my grumpiness yesterday).
I'm going to make a quick list of the things that bugged me this week, and I'm going to turn them into positive statements. This is a fun process. Trust me. Try it next time you need a boost.
1. I'm not working enough
- This is a tough situation for me. I put a lot of stock in my ability to support myself, and I really hate not living up to my expectations. The turn around: my wrists have been sore this week, and it is a good thing they have had a break. I need time to rest, clean my house, and get involved in some of my neglected hobbies. I had time to walk the dogs today. I had time to work on a picture frame I've had for months. My house is pretty darn clean. This has been a really good week, though I might end up a little broke next month... Does it really matter? Also, I need to try to focus on finding opportunities to share my skills and abilities with populations I love. I'm going to present to a grief support group next week. How cool is that?
2. I miss the hell out of my friends and family
- Being in a new town sucks. I'm used to having a vibrant social network I see on a daily basis. The last time I felt lonely, I forced myself to start a new hobby (belly dance). I love Belly Dance. And I love that I'm going to class again on Sunday. Maybe I have more friends here than I think, and I just haven't seen them for a few weeks. I'm already feeling less lonely. This also motivates me to put together a spring gathering of people I love and want to see. Which means I have projects, and if I know me, I love a good project.
The short version: I have a lot to be grateful for, and I would do best by myself to remember it. Being juicy isn't about taking the easy way. Being juicy is about taking the way that gives you the most satisfaction. I'm way more satisfied when I'm grateful for what I have.
Now if you'll excuse me, I just realized there is chocolate bunny left in the house...
Love,
Diana
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